just a little bit of art

so, here's a little bit of art that i've done recently. actually, in painting, last spring. i figured i'd throw these out there, so if anyone (of my nonexistent readers) wants to shoot me some feedback, i'd be more than happy to listen. seeing that i've just changed my major to fine arts, i'd better get good at what i do, so please tell me what you think. thanks :-)

at home on a rainy day

dead was i, yet alive

one last door...

thanks...a lot

untitled #1


untitled #2

there ya go, hope you like it.

i do not exist

i oftentimes get this feeling that i am not meant to be here. no, i don't mean here in oklahoma (though i sometimes wonder what i really am doing here). i mean this earth. this existence. this physical understanding and temporal substance of which we're made just doesn't seem to cut it. to be honest, i'd have to say that i'm not content. i'm not at home, and frankly, i'm uncomfortable with most of the goings on that surround me.

yes, there are certainly good things and true things that are a reflection of the one who is greater than i, and for those things i am exceptionally grateful. however, the more life i live (yes, all 20 years of it) and the more things i experience, the more dissatisfied i grow with the status quo. i don't know, maybe that's why i feel such a draw to nature and escaping the manufactured surroundings we've all grown so accustomed to. i certainly can see why God has put such a wonderful young lady in my life. the love we share is definitely something that is not of this world, and the greater our love grows, the more i want to leave this earth. thank you God, for such a wonderful caring family, both biological and spiritual. i don't know where i'd be if it wasn't for people i'd be going home with.

jesus says that the truth sets us free. freedom. what a beautiful concept -- ideal, but never fully attainable while bound in this physical shell. we will always experience limitations of some sort until we're swept away into our heavenly home. as the apostle paul put it, "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." the more i think about those things, the more i'm lead away from this existence to something more. i'm drawn into something much greater than myself; something so massively incredible that it's completely incomprehendable. until we lose ourselves in this greatness, we will never be free.

i guess it's safe for me to say that i do not exist. apart from God, my presence here is meaningless. the only thing of value that truly exists in and of itself is God. every good and perfect thing flows from him, so when i do see the good that can happen in this world; when i do see things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy, it gives me hope that there is something better awaiting me once this life is over with.

i guess c.s. lewis had it right when he stated, "if i find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that i was made for another world."

pardon the somewhat stream-of-consciousness -- i'm just thinking and trying to convey it in a readable, reasonable manner. after all, it is late, and i must be going to sleep now. with that, i bid you (whoever you may be) goodnight, and may the peace from our heavenly father guard your spirit.

jacques ellul

here's an insightful quote i found, and i believe it's worth sharing.

"Obviously when man has somewhere to turn, he does not turn to God and God does not come to him. As long as man can invent hopes and methods, he naturally suffers from the pretension that he can solve his own problems. He invents technical instruments, the state, society, money, and science. He also invents idols, magic, philosophy, spiritualism, and all these things can give him hope in himself that he can direct his own life and control his destiny. They all cause him to turn his back on God. As long as there is a glimmer of confidence in these means, man prefers to stake his life on them rather than handing it over to God. When the sailors tried to save the ship by their nautical skill, Jonah slept. All these aids had to be shattered, all solutions blocked, and man's possibilities hopelessly outclassed by the power of the challenge, to cause Jonah to return to God. Only when man has lost the vast apparatus of civilization, in personal response, does man remember God.

When man relies on these instruments, those who pay regard to vain idols, when he stakes his life on state or money, he does not know personal mercy. For these idols which help him to live are without mercy. They can indeed give a great deal to man. They can solve his problems – they can grant him happiness, power, even virtue and good. But they cannot give him the very thing he needs: mercy.

For these idols have no heart. No relation of love can be set up within them, only relations of possession. If one loves, the other possesses. The man who loves money or the state is not loved by them – he is owned. That is why so many fundamental problems of man cannot be solved by these powers, for man has a definitive need of one thing, to be loved, which also means to be pardoned and lifted above himself. None of these idols (least of all Eros love) can do this for him. But man does not know this, or hear it, until he has learned the emptiness of idols, until he has been disillusioned, until in truth he finds himself naked and without mercy, until he begs in an empty world for the mercy which cannot come to him from the world. To this stripped man God responds as he does to Jonah, and Jonah learns where mercy is to be had, and Who can give it to him, and he gets it because for once in his life he turns to the One who is, in fact, merciful."

i wish the world was paved in grass

it's just one of those simple pleasures of life, you know? just last night, i took off my shoes and ran around in the dewy grass, and i'd have to say that it was absolutely glorious. especially in contrast with the barefooted walk around the block i took on sunday afternoon (through gravel, hot asphalt, and a construction zone). seriously, i believe that grass is what the world was meant to be covered with. besides water. which isn't half bad either.

sometimes, i wish that i lived in a time when the world was less modern and more the way it was created to be. i wish people could just be people without feeling the pressures of this hectic lifestyle, trying to make ends meet. life was meant to be enjoyed, not something that we should worry about -- besides, everything we could ever need is right there in the hands of our provider and daddy. matthew 6:25-34 sums it up perfectly:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

we know full well that by worrying about our own needs, we can't accomplish anything. also, i think that if everybody looked deep into their heart, i think we'd see a lot of people come to an understanding that they need a whole lot less than what they have. myself included, by the way. americans, in particular, i think have to look deeper than most people, but i believe that most people do realize that they need less than what they think they do.

i don't know. maybe i'm just dreaming that such a place could exist on this earth where people find their only sustainance from God and enjoy the simple pleasures that he has already provided for us. grass. i know the bible says that the streets in heaven will be paved in gold, but maybe the rest of our eternal home will be paved in grass.

i think i'd like that.